The Ultimate Rules of Writing

All right, you're tired of working so hard, creating new ways to be creative. You wish you didn't have to reinvent yourself every time you start a new piece. You wish I'd stop saying, "Every rule can be broken." You want a formula for writing success, and some rules that will stay put.

Here is a formula with hard and fast rules for writing success.

1. Never use the same font twice.

2. Write about annoying, lazy, compulsive, gossiping, petty, tortured individuals and their transgressions, using the names of people at work. Post these on the cafeteria bulletin board.

3. Respond to every rejection letter with a rejection letter. "Thank you for your thoughtful response. After careful consideration, we have decided your letter isn't right for us."

4. Include the word "avuncular" in each story.

5. Write only on Wednesdays between 3 and 6 pm, when there's a full moon, in a leap year.

6. Use a pseudonym. With alliteration. Preferably something fruity.

7. Affect a faraway, knowing look. Wear a striped hat with pompons. Make it hard for people to decide whether you're a brilliant writer or simply having a wonderful time.